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I am now sure of two things. Rose, you are a masochist, and a good portion of the american, and probably european and japanese public need to be euthanized. STAT.
God, where do I even begin. I expected to see New Moon, and walk away with about 68 new horrible cheesy one liners, and several belly laughs. It was all that and more, folks. I have enough venom for this series to melt the entire country of Brazil.
The "plot" of the movie (I really do use the word plot VERY loosely) is Bella and Edward are dating, but then he breaks up with her and moves away for "her own safety". Then she spends the rest of the movie (about 85% of it)...
-sitting in a chair being inconsolably sad
-giving the constantly shirtless (not even fucking kidding, he DOES NOT wear a shirt, except when he sleeps) native american friend blue balls
-sending HUNDREDS of emails to Edwards sister, that don't actually send
-having SCREAMING FITS while she sleeps. As if she was once anally and orally raped by a pride of lions, and she's having night terrors because of it. Not. Even. Exaggerating.
Ok, so backtracking a bit to the inconsolably sad part. They show her sitting in a chair looking out a window for four months. FOUR MONTHS. Then when her dad says her behavior is disturbing, and suggests that she should go back to live with her mother, she insists that she MUST stay, even though Edward isn't coming back. So to show she's still capable of being a human being (that's a fucking stretch) she goes to a movie with one of her horrible vapid friends that she hasn't talked to for months. After the movie, she encounters a group of bikers that tried to rape her ass in the first movie, and as she approaches them, a cheesy vision of Edward pops up and tells her to turn back. Long story short, she finds that every time she does something really reckless, visions of Edward appear and tell her not to do them. So she decides that doing reckless things is awesome because it's the only way she can see her pasty beloved fucknut. Along the way, Bella starts spending a lot of time with Jacob, the aforementioned shirtless native american/werewolf... not because she actually wants to spend time with a friend, but because he can repair some junk motorcycles she bought, so that she can ride them really fast, therefore doing something reckless, so Edward can appear and tell her not to do it. Yeah.
Now, I almost like the character Jacob. He's one of the few characters that isn't fucking miserable all the time, and he's one of the only characters that has hobbies and interesting attributes. And he's not covered in gross white powder. Unfortunately, he, of course has a giant boner for Bella, which must mean he's ultimately stupid because there is nothing NOTHING NOTHING likable about Bella fucking Swan.
In fact, let me take a break from summarizing this riveting plot to explain Bella. She is the most objectionable fictional character I have ever encountered. She is never happy, the closest she might get to happy is mildly content, and this isn't often. She has zero hobbies, no quirks, nothing that makes her unique or interesting in the least. She is not a nice person, or fun to be around, in fact Bella pretty much spends all of her time brooding, complaining, and treating everyone around her like they are shit stuck on the bottom of her shoe, especially people who, for some reason, really care about her (like her poor dad). People like Bella in realworldland are thought of, and rightly so, as stuck up bitches who bring everyone down. People like Bella in StephanieMeyersland are loved by everyone, like a fucking queen. What. Even Bella seems to know what a piece of shit she is, because she really just has zero self worth.
So I guess it makes sense that someone like her falls for an equally miserable self hating fucker like Edward. Because Bella is just such a helpless, stupid, clumsy bint, Edward needs to
So... thankfully there's really not much else about the actual "plot" of this movie to explain. Bella's unreasonably emo, Edwards gone for the most part, Jacob wants in her pants, but Bella wont even kiss the poor fucker because
During the last 30 minutes some semblance of plot emerges when Bella dives dramatically into the ocean in a not really suicide attempt, and Edward sees this with his psychic vampire vision, and thinks shes dead, which he... kind of "confirms" when he calls Bella's house while Jacob is there, and Jacobs picks up and says they're all prepping for a funeral (of some other character). Edward decides that he can't live in a world without his beloved dumbass, and wants to commit suicide via public sparkling. I guess Eddy's in Italy with a bunch of foppish Italian vampires who are actually sort of cool because they don't really give a shit about people beyond food (you know, the way vampires SHOULD be?) and they'll kill him if he reveals that he's a vampire or some shit. So Edwards sister tells Bella she needs to scoot over to Italy to show him she's not dead before she does this. Some shit happens, they live, blah blah blah.
So, my ultimate nutshell thoughts of the movie (series, for that matter) is that in twilightland, women dont matter beyond the man they associate themselves with, and it's ok for men to emotionally and physically abuse their woman as long as they love them. It's also ok to treat everyone who cares about you outside of your sig. other like total dogshit, because you "love" your sig. other too much to care about anyone else. The twilight series, as I hear it, only gets MORE bigoted, sexist, and idiotic as it goes. What disturbs me the most about this series is how many people, especially young kids love the characters in it. People think this is ok. As if kids aren't fucked up enough, there's now one more goddamn thing out there leading them to believe that things that are completely wrong, and behaving like a fuck are acceptable. I think anyone who likes twilight legit should feel bad about it. Even people who like it as a guilty pleasure, and know it's bad, I would question, because there is absolutely nothing redeeming about twilight. In fact, when it's not being morally objectionable, or unbelievably stupid, it's boring as fuck. There are more little things about this movie that I could pick apart because they bother me so damn much, but this is already pretty tl;dr, so I will leave it off with this...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWITARDS AAAAHHH.
Edit: Actually, I think I will pick it apart more, because it enrages me so. I'll just try to keep it shortish, in a list format
-Did I mention Bella is a creepy stalker? No? Well she is. I'm convinced that she's actually incapable of feeling love, and believes that unhealthy obsession is love.
-Um... the werewolves are all native americans. As if to say native americans are literally animals. What the fuck is up with that? They also dont wear anything but cutoff jeans, as if to emphasize this.
-NO SEX TILL MARRIAGE LOL
-The token girlfriend/wife of the leader of the werewolves has a face that is half covered in ragged scars. Why? Because werewolves apparently get roid rage, and her boyfriend got really angry with her once, werewolfed it up, and disfigured her. She's still with him because she just loves him so much. It doesn't matter that he FUCKING DISFIGURED HER OUT OF ANGER.
-There's a scene where Bella and Jacob are discussing Jacob being a werewolf. Bella tells him to "just stop it, because it's unnatural" Jacob says he can't help it, he was born that way. Maybe you have to hear it with your own ears, but goddamn if it didn't read to me like a thinly veiled anti-gay comment.
-At the end of the movie Jacob, Edward, and Bella are hangin out, Edward is thanking Jacob for taking care of his
-The way Bella treats her Dad REALLY bothers me. He's the only character I have any empathy for, because he treats her with love and respect, deals with her stupid melodramatic bullshit with utmost sensitivity, and generally bends over backwards for her, and she just does not give a shit about him, like she just couldn't be bothered because he's so insignificant to this fucking vampire she met a year ago. Maybe it's because I love and respect my parents, but I really REALLY object to glamourizing this behavior. Jesus fucking christ.
There's probably more, but my brain is broken as it is.
